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“The Final Answer” (satire)

02/24/2011

The Final Answer

A Satire

By V.H. Isaac


To the most wise and great president of the Federal Prison Board I submit this proposal, with high hopes that there will be some recognition to the utter genius in which it has been crafted. As you know so well, president, the current American prison system has problems in regards to their population. Their festering pools of life are growing at an alarming rate, and all attempts at pacifying it has failed. It has become my life’s goal – nay, my life’s passion – to find a suitable solution to this unacceptable issue. I’ve done everything as best I could, but my companions cannot see the big picture. As such, they cannot understand my innovative brilliance. At length, I have determined that you, of all people, will not only understand, but will see the wisdom in implementing my ideas.

I have considered many possible options before finding the great answer. First, I questioned the possibility of holding monthly combative tournaments between the inmates, but I soon realized that that was politically incorrect; it favored those criminals who were younger, and thus could fight more aggressively. You see, I find age discrimination quite disgusting. Next, I considered perhaps arming the criminals and sending them off to war. But alas! It was not to be. For to my horror I realized that that would be gender discrimination; for would not the muscular men last much longer than the frail, tender ladies that roam our prisons? No, that is an atrocious thought, and I disregarded it with great haste! My next idea was most horrific of all. I thought perhaps I could allow religions to enter in the prisons and teach those rough peoples the nature of God! Ha, what a silly idea that was! What a wretchedly insensitive line of thinking. I forgot the godless nature of the heathen! They are not like us; they believe in the sickly underworld creatures of the night which makes civilized men such as us shudder! Even though I do not understand it, it is my solemn duty to respect it, and thus I could not, in good conscious, allow religion to be taught to them. I heard once that God is a being of knowledge, so I realized we can not educate them either, for in a way that would be forcing God on them and that is too discriminatory for me. This is where I found the answer I was looking for, the great and final solution.

I propose to ship 50% of the federal prison population to a series of remote islands scattered across the world. Now, I know what you must be thinking: Well how is that fair? They break the law and get to live the rest of their sentence in perfect bliss? Fear not sir, for I have thought ahead! By giving them limited space and resources, they won’t be able to live in absolute comfort immediately. However, while only being roughly about one to two acres in size, the two to three hundred prisoners we put on each one will view it as a wonderful relief to those inhumanly cramped cells that they are accustomed to. I can just see their glad faces of joy as they stride as free men and women around the barren spits of rock that are their new homes. In order to prevent any potential human rights problems, I have selected islands that are barren rock. It could be a health hazard if they can slip on wet grass, which is a common problem in the world’s remote tropical islands. However, I have no doubt that those islands will soon be turned into small bubbles of paradise within a matter of decades. What more could a man ask for?

Now I know what you are thinking: Well hold on, this sounds amazing, but won’t the equipment cost a whole lot of money? No sir, they sure won’t. All they really need are basic tools to catch food and distill water and they should stay mostly alive. They can use fish skins to make their shelters, and melt down the fish bones and fat to make glue. So as long as they can catch fish they will be just fine. We’ll give them knives to clean the fish, spears to catch them, and crow bars for outdoor activities such as baseball, exercise, and golf. To prevent them from escaping via swimming, we will chain each inmate to a sixty pound block of cement. Since the islands are pure granite, we won’t have to worry about bathrooms. It’s yearly rains will wash away any small messes that may arise. Also as it gets in the high nineties every day in the dry season (which is most of the year) the bacteria will simply burn off, keeping the prisoners nice and healthy. I am a strong believer that health is wealth. So if their healthy, then their wealthy; how many prisons do you know that actual give their inmates wealth! Once again, I can guess exactly what you are thinking: It all sounds great so far, but how will we decide who goes to what islands?

Well, people who share similar ideologies always get together well; therefore, I propose to put everyone on the islands together according to their crimes. (So rapists on one, murders on another…that kind of thing) Also, to prevent some any potential problems with incompatibility (we don’t want one criminal to feel uncomfortable with another) we’ll separate them according to the severity of their crimes. The most serious of criminals will be put together, more moderate ones will be put on another, and the least serious will also get their own. If one guy is into serious serial killing and another guy is just a more of an occasional hobby killer, it would be poor management to put them together. We really want to encourage togetherness and a sense of family. Furthermore, because there are far less women in the criminal system then men, we’ll have to distribute them evenly amongst all the islands. Each island will get at least one or two females, to really take advantage of the calming effect women have on men.

To conclude, I look forward to receiving your congratulations on drafting this proposal. If there needs to be a committee to help organize this project, I would be willing to take charge for the betterment of all. Thank you for your time.

– Sir Randolph Quincy Sherman VII

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From → Essays

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